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I know there are followers who yanked televisions from their homes years ago.
Were I so inclined, this would be a helluva good way for me to control when and where The Hubster takes up residence in our home.
Me? When I was single, I had a fuzzy black-and-white television purchased from Goodwill. The Hubster? Televisions in every room — including cable connections and DVD players in all living areas, all bedrooms, master bath, patio, and the garage.
But, I digress.
It happens. Deal with it.
[Whoop! Where are my manners?]
Welcome! Have a seat on the divan. Tea? Crumpets? Clotted cream? Bubbles and squeak? Pepto? Comfy?
Splendid!
Now, where were we? Oh. Right.
I digress. It happens. Deal with it.
Please, and thank-you.
GET ON WITH THIS SHOW (For Cripes’ Sake)
Here, for your viewing pleasure (and, stretch-of-the-imagination-education) is a commercial I actually like.
.
Okay. So. Do you have the cadence down? The pause between Jake and State Farm?
Excellent.
No. I don’t know why that’s relevant, it just adds cadence to my It’s Howdy Blooper Time story.
Recently, we got a notice advising that my life insurance premium would increase on the renewal date.
I had the actuary tables. I calculated a new premium based on reduced benefits to The Hubster should something happen to me. Something like a well-planned and executed homicide should I move his plethora of televisions to the street with “Free to Good Home” signs.
So! Being a math *whiz kid*, I calculated the new premium then called MetLife to confirm my calculations.
[*It’s true. I’m a closet math and logic puzzle nerd. Dr. Sheldon Cooper would kick Amy Farrah Fowler to the curb if he knew.*]
Dagnabbit! I hadn’t factored in sales tax…
???There’s SHE LIVES tax????
I’d used the wrong effective date.
Doug…from Met Life…was the poor shmuck who handled my call.
DOUG: “No problem. You’re close. I’ll do a quick calculation for you.”
Clickity-clack-clack in the background. His ten-key calculations, I’m sure.
DOODY: “Let me guess. The premium is going up, right?”
DOUG: “No. It looks like it’s going down.”
Clickity-Clack. Clickity-clack.
DOODY: Oh! I love going down!
Silence.
No clickity.
No clackity.
Silence.
DOODY’S BRAIN: Glurg.
This, for no sane reason, leads to a Q/A segue to comments:
Q: When will Gloria Jean Burns Richard Doody repair the hole in her brain to mouth filter?
A: We’ll get back to you on that one. On this round, she went down without a fight.
SO! That’s it. Poor Doug…from MetLife. Do you suppose he told that story at Happy Hour that night? Any brilliant advice on what I might have said other than my oh-so-brilliant bubble-talk-glurg? Have you had similar Shut The Front Door! (where Front Door is defined as Your Mouth) experiences? Leave a note. Leave a novella. Leave fodder for a blog-jack. Just say something in comments. Please! I’m still glurging over here.
Gloria Richard 
Hehehehe! You crack me up! Happy Friday, Mrs. G!
Happy Friday to you, too, Megan! Thanks for the visit.
How goes it in the land of poopy diapers and tootsie-roll-baby-fat legs? I’m talking the young ‘un on that last sentence. Seriously!
Flying by! Eight months and counting. Loving every sloppy kiss and gummy smile. Using toothpicks after sleepless nights. Writing more and more every day, as the routine finally clicks into place. We are all good! Thanks for asking!
Thrilled to hear all is well, Megan. Just when you get your routine down, she’ll do what every parents waits to capture on film: learn to walk.
You may want to start shopping for a “tote-with” writing aid now.
Hilarious. I am laughing with you, Gloria. And truth be told, a tiny bit at you. I probably will laugh at/with you off and on all day since I’ll be recalling this story as I spend another 5468 hours painting my house. Paint fumes make everything funnier. Apparently gin does the same thing. Or so I’ve heard. 😉
I suspected it all along, Tami Clayton. In the Kasbah, you lace your tea and sniff things other than aromatherapy candles.
Seriously, though. BE CAREFUL with those paint fumes. I’d offer to come help, but I’m
too lazyover committed.Oh. Wait! You live in cool climes, don’t you? Is the guest room painted yet? Just asking. No reason. Really.
Awkward! Oops. Very funny. 🙂
Awkward, yes. But, truth be told, I kinda sorta wanted to keep the mouth blather going. See how far I could take that path before Doug…from MetLife lost his cool.
Clickity. Clack. Don’t talk back. (Great potential for a song refrain, don’t ‘cha think?)
Yes, this is funny, Gloria. Yet one would think that after that your rates should have gone down and dirty 🙂 YOu leave a punch line and I drive a truck throuth it !!
That’s what I love about you, Florence.
Ba-da-bing! I’ll set ’em up for you any time.
This story doesn’t get old with the re-telling, Gloria, and the ka-snortles are renewed with the dread SHE LIVES tax!
SHERRY!
I know! Actually, life insurance is a bit fatalistic —
not my normalcounterintuitive to the way I look at life. It’s like betting with the insurance company (with monthly premiums) that I’m going to *Bite the Big One*. They’re taking my monthly ante in hopes that I don’t.*Yeah, yeah, Florence. If you see that one, drive the truck through it. Triple dog dare ya’.
I am oddly turned on by this post! Happy Friday to me! 🙂
After that quip I’m shocked he didn’t need to change his underwear after the call ended.
Hey, you didn’t tell us how it did end off. Was it a “happy ending”? Bada-Bing!
HOWLING over here, Phil. I have no clue if he turned that call into a happy ending.
Perhaps I should call back and ask for Doug. “Yo, Doug! Did you have a wet spot on your khakis after my call the other day? Any chance you took an extended lunch break to solve your problem?”
Why do I have this whack-a-doodle notion that many odd things turn you on, Phil? Oh! I know. You’ve been watching too many women eat hotdogs and brats from those NYC vending carts, haven’t you? Messes with a man’s head.
Or, so I’ve been told. Bada-Bing, indeed!
I’m just a naughty boy with a dirty mind! 😉
Poor Doug! I’m sure you were the topic of the around the cooler conversation. And you actually lowered your premium? Good for you!!! Shows being the noisy one is well worth it. (But I knew you were worth millions!)
HeHeHe, Jessica. I simply lowered my bet level with Doug [pause] from MetLife. Bonus! The policy renews before my next birthday.
Very funny, I knew you were very talented.
And, this morning person is sitting on her patio laughing. Why? I can’t recall if you’re a master at double entendre, but — if you are — you may not be referring to my writing talent.
Bada-bing!
Ha, I had to look up the definition , but I was referring to both.
Too funny! *saucy grin*
OH! And, I now know your email address.
You have been warned.