Tags
Drinking Games, Humor, Jenny Hansen, K.B. Owen, Kevin Hanrahan, Military Working Dogs, Paws on the Ground, Piper Bayard, Spatchocked, The Turtle Club, Wordplay
Welcome to The Spatchcock Wonkipedia, dedicated to exploring the English language as used in the United States, Canada, in Britain; a compilation of terms that pop by kettle corn, toast my marshmallows, or sizzle my fizz.
[I am on a quest to build a Guinness World Record Worthy list of cliché twists. You have been warned.]
You may or may not be curious about the source of the name and the notion for The Spatchcock Wonkipedia.
If you are not curious tough noogies please skip this first section titled:
SPATCHCOCK–THE SCOOBY DOO
Many squats ago, before I began to exorcise my butt dimples, when Thanksgiving was an unthawed Turkey away, Jenny Hansen posted a blog titled Do you have Turkey Block?
My time-suck penchant for checking back on blog comments paid off on this particular post. Hidden in the depths of comments filled with empathy and sage advice on cooking a delicious turkey (some of which, I am so going to try), I found a gem.
This gem? Piper Bayard of a rocking fun and informative blog popped into comments and recommended spatchcocking a turkey. In her words, “I spatchcocked my turkey this year. Mostly because I love to say, “spatchcocked.”
That statement tooted my kazoo. [I warned you!]
Before all of the testosterone-infused, hangy-down-part-proud, male readers wince, spatchcocking does not mean what you might think.
It’s much worse.
According to another, lesser known, w-something icky-pedia site, spatchcocking is a cooking method wherein you split open (a poultry or game bird) to prepare it for grilling, roasting, or broiling.
So, aforementioned hangy-down-part-proud male readers? You are safe. Males are too ornery and tough to eat. In the rooster, Thanksgiving culinary sense of…
MOOving right along and out of the double entendre zone.
I issued a challenge to the first person who posted a blog with the word Spatchcock in the title. There may have been a prize. If yes, I can’t remember what I promised.
K.B. (Kathy) Owen, have your peeps call my peeps. We’ll put you on hold so you don’t steal my he-he-he glee a second time. Call soon and often.
I single out Historical Mystery Author, K.B. Owen, because she posted a blog that very same day titled Reflecting Back, Moving Forward, and Spatchcocking. Yeah. I know. The segue from one to the other is tenuous, at best.
In the comments section of her recent post, wherein she revealed the cover for her soon-to-be-published debut novel, Dangerous and Unseemly, K.B. took the opportunity to remind me of my commitment to post about Spatchcocking.
[EDITORIAL NOTE: I tried to import a copy of that cover, but couldn’t get it done this side of sleepy-bye time. Click the link. Ooh and Aaah over the cover. It rocks!]
Lacking a willing victim good man to participate in whatever naughty notion he may have originally associated with the word, I chose instead to create a wordplay series.
WHAT’S ON THE AGENDA?
Beats the hell out of me. See? I didn’t even cross that out. I take my word play seriously, but rarely know what’s going to pop into my noggin.
In future installments, you might learn:
- Why Brits laugh when they visit Knob Lick, MO
- Why I will never again say “I got bonked with a baseball bat,” and
- Why a man need not cross his legs when asked “May I have a butchers at your spotted dick?”
There will be tips for Americans traveling to England. There will be snippets of “say whaaaat?” web URLs, signs and headlines.
For this installment, I bring you what I consider to be one of the best word play games.
BONUS! If you pass this test, you get to join a prestigious club known as:
THE ANCIENT AND HONOURABLE ORDER OF TURTLES (aka The Turtle Club)
I officially earned admission to The Turtle Club during my days in Corporate America. It happened one raucous night in a convention hospitality suite. I surprised even myself when I found the clean answers to seemingly naughty riddles floating about in my tipsy (toppled?) grey matter.
According to Wikipedia, the Turtle Club:
“… started as an informal “drinking club” between World War II pilots, self-described as “an honorable drinking fraternity composed of ladies and gentlemen of the highest morals and good character, who are never vulgar.”
Okay. I get it! I may need remedial training on that last bit. Still, I belong.
IF YOU ARE A MEMBER OF THE TURTLE CLUB, you know the required response to prove membership. Email me off-loop (Gloria(at)gloriarichardwrites(dot)com). Members are specifically prohibited from sharing this Intel with non-turtles.
On with the game. The following four questions all have “clean” answers despite the off-color or vulgar ones that might initially pop into your heads.
In order to keep the game and guessing alive for all participants, please indicate which of these you think you solved (by number) in comments and email me off loop (Gloria(at)gloriarichardwrites(dot)com) or send a direct message on Twitter to @gloriawrites.
The riddle-thon will remain open until 7 p.m. Central on Tuesday, January 30th. I will loop back in to let participants know if they solved the riddles, and will provide the answers in the comments section on Tuesday evening.
Okay. Put on your goody-two-shoes. Get ready to play. Here are the official four riddles:
- What is a four letter word that ends with “k” and means to have intercourse?
- What does a woman do sitting down, that a dog does on three legs, and a man does standing up?
- What is it on a man that is round, hard, and sticks so far out his pajamas that you can hang a hat on it?
- What does a cow have four of and woman only two?
Okay! That’s it!
Remember. NO SPOILERS! If you solve one, some or all of the riddles, email the answers to me or Direct Message Tweet @gloriawrites.
WHAT’S UP WITH GOOGLE EXPRESSLY PROHIBITED?
I hope all readers follow my request to STEP AWAY FROM GOOGLE (and Bing, and Yahoo! and all other searches for The Turtle Club.) Some of you might think, “HA! She’ll never know.”
I may have connections with the EF BE EYE and you know those dudes don’t mess around. When on a covert mission, that is. I choose not to can’t speak for other times.
I also asked Kevin Hanrahan for an assist. Take a peek at the forces he graciously brought to the table for me. Still tempted to cheat?
I thought not.
Kevin Hanrahan is the author of the novel in manuscript, Paws on the Ground…a novel about U.S. Soldiers and the dogs that protect them in the treacherous and alien terrain of Afghanistan. He is the winner of the 2011 James River Writers Conference “Pitchapalooza” competition.
He has served three combat tours and was awarded two Bronze Stars and an Army Commendation Medal for Valor.
The novel is based on Hanrahan’s twenty years of Army service (Thank you, Kevin!), his experiences as a company commander in Iraq and his experience as the Deputy Provost Marshal for U.S. forces in Afghanistan. While in Afghanistan, Hanrahan was instrumental in spearheading the surge of dogs into Afghanistan and lobbied the Army to adopt an innovative and life saving explosive detecting dog program.
I encourage you to hop over to Kevin’s site to see the rest of the pictures he has in today’s post titled Top Military Dog Pictures of the Year.
NOW THAT WE’VE HANDLED THAT!
What other wordplay would you like to explore in the SPATCHCOCK WONKIPEDIA?
You know the drill. Leave a comment! Please! I do my second best work in comments on blogs. My first best thing? Oh, gosh! Look at the time! Gotta roll!
Gloria Richard 
I’m so glad you kept your commitment to Spatchcocking (and yes, I agree it sounds naughty). I shall never, ever be invited to join the Turtle Club…
However, keeping in mind the need to be clean, here are my answers:
1.What is a four letter word that ends with “k” and means to have intercourse? BONK
2.What does a woman do sitting down, that a dog does on three legs, and a man does standing up? PEE
3.What is it on a man that is round, hard, and sticks so far out his pajamas that you can hang a hat on it? HIS THUMB
4.What does a cow have four of and woman only two? SHE GOT IT RIGHT!
You are always invited to join The Turtle Club, Jenny.
The question is: Will your brain release you from the Naughty Side, where Undie Chronicles and OMG and Vajajay Coloring Books frolic?
My hope? Puh-leeeeze, NO! Stay in The Land of Coffee Spews on the Keyboard.
By the way, I
sort ofstomped on your answer to number four because YOU GOT IT RIGHT!I know the answers will and should be tossed about in comments. I could spend my whole day keeping others out of the know, but I thought I’d take the liberty of keeping all four riddles in play for just a wee bit.
KA-SHNORT! on “his thumb” as the answer to number three. Nice try, but…er…no. There are some men (and women) who spend much of their lives with their thumb stuck up their…*whistling*
Just sayin…
We always laugh when we reach Bug Bone Lick on the road south from Ontario. Seems fitting to mention that one here, Gloria. Teehee.
KA-SHNORT! on Bug Bone Lick, Ontario, Elaine.
I tried to get the Bayard/Lamb Presidential Campaign to hold their election gala in Climax, PA. They refused. Go figure.
Ok so that’s even funnier. The name is Big Bone Lick!
Elaine, we giggle over ‘Spooner Street’ in a Northern Ontario town.
Sherry, this proves your love-is-in-the-air-romance shines brighter than love-is-in-the-bed naughty sass.
I Googled (yes, I am excluded from the prohibition) and find only the definition with which I’m familiar.
Spooning — snuggled up close while lying on your sides. Aw, shucks! Can’t get much more romantic than that!
Every newlywed should live a while on Spooner Street. Us old married folks, too.
Editing your comment, Sherry!
“Us
oldlong-time married folks, too.”You’re welcome. I knew that was a slip of the fingers. 🙂
Since I’ve already KA-SHNORTed, you get a BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!! on Big Bone Lick.
Hmmmm.
Why do I think it offers many opportunities for Pub names?
[Note to self: Add this to travel itinerary for next visit to Ontario.]
LOL, Gloria! Thanks so much for the shout-out! I just sent you my answers via DM on Twitter. Not sure of two of them. Fun post!
You got the answers to #1 and #4, Kathy.
You really thought #1 was easy? That must be your professor days shining through. We need to find a cure for that. 😉 That’s the one that took me the longest. Could. Not. Drag. Brain. From. The. Obvious.
I know you can do it on the other two. I’m dying to give the secret code to someone.
KAZOO TRILL!!!
K.B. Owen SOLVED all four riddles and has joined the ranks of THE ANCIENT AND HONOURABLE ORDER OF TURTLES!
She now has the secret code, and can not be bought.
[Sending one of the dogs over to stand guard over her.]
Woot, woot! (and, no, that is NOT the secret code, LOL). Thanks, Gloria! 😀
Gloria, you leave me speechless.
Okay, I have my speech back. All I can think of to say that bears any resemblance to intelligence is, I once upon a time had a co-worker from the UK who boasted of spending her Saturday afternoon ‘whizzing about town’ on errands. She looked nothing like a doberman, yet I could not erase the mental image of her squatting on corners from dry cleaners to grocery to post office, marking her territory.
Sherry! Had you not clarified the co-worker was female, I might have challenged your assumption that your co-worker wasn’t watering fire hydrants and trash receptacles.
Did you never tell her it was a colloquialism that had nothing to do with driving? Well there is, “driving need to whizz.”
Gloria! I can’t wait to get working on the quiz!
I would have to have to sit in the corner with a dance-hat on…..
In case you were wondering, a dance-hat is MUCH worse than a dunce-hat… *rolling eyes* Good hell, I need some coffee 😉
Keep the dance hat, Zack! I’ve had a secret desire to dance with you since we first traded double entendre wordplay in comments.
Um. The hat? Add some feathers. I may want to use them. Dancing. During the dance.
I can’t begin to tell you how horribly ashamed I am of my comments. “I would have to have” seriously? Obviously that coffee wasn’t stiff enough. I need some espresso.
Me? Double entendre? If I were a cunning linguist, or had a greater gift for the crafting of creative composition, then I might slip into more wordplay….
Zack, Zack, Zack…
Do not feel horribly ashamed of typographical errors in comments. It happens to me all the time…
Sometimes because my brain moves faster than my fingers. Sometimes because I am too anxious to post words of wisdom, I don’t properly edit. Sometimes because I’m a dolt.
Here’s the scoop. You need only send me an email or tweet and ask me to fix your goof(s).
I have that power! [Heady feeling, that.] Editorial power on my own glob rocks!
HOT DAMN, ZACK! I just got your tweet. You solved them!
Look for the secret code. I’m shooting it your way via DM.
Dang! I’ve missed seeing you in comments. The next time you decide to take a sabbatical to edit your soon-to-be-published manuscript, please schedule some maintenance tweets.
Okay Gloria … this is the type of word game that does one of two things. It brings out the naughty side of me … or it makes me feel like I’m fourteen again and didn’t get the punch line of the off=colored joke behind the gym.
The very next time I see a fat turkey sitting in the supermarket … I will think of her splayed out like the spatchcock that she is … or think of Georgia OKeith and the inside of an orchid.
I loved the image of “whizzing” through town … I think boys do that between bouts of mailbox baseball 🙂
Of course boys do that between bouts of mailbox baseball, at the side of the house during commercial breaks, during a sudden detour while jogging, standing with their back to the road (as if those driving by don’t know when we see hand placement)…
Think clean thoughts and you’ll solve these, Florence.
Alternatively, keep your naughty thoughts and have a wonderful evening!
I can’t compete with Jenny, she may have only gotten two of them, but I think all my answers are really unprintable. Membership in the turtle club will have to be reserved for you, my dear elegant Gloria!
If we’re talking funny places we have a very large rock that sits on top of a mountain in Boulder (oh, and it is a lovely red color). You can see it from all over, but particularly from the area that I went to High School in called “Devil’s Thumb”. Of course that is not what we called it! Nor do I believe the original miners in the area used that terminology. 🙂
Was the name given to that outcropping of rock alliterative, Jessica?
Devil’s…hmmm…need a “D” word…
Just curious. You know how I am about Margie’s rhetorical devices.
NEW NEWS!
K.B. Owen and Zack Kullis are now members of The Turtle Club!
For those of you still pondering possible answers, quite a few seek what they believe to be polite or clean words for: sex, urinate, and mammary glands.
The answer to #1 does not refer to sex, in any word.
The answer to #2 has nothing to do with urinating.
The answer to #3 is NOT associated with anything that some sex-education-for-kids books describe as portable milk bars..
THE SECRET CODE
When (not if) you solve these four riddles, you will have the secret code all members of The Turtle Club (or, The Ancient and Honourable Order of Turtles) must use when asked, “Are you a turtle.”
In case you think this is nonsense I picked up in a bar somewhere…
You’re right about the bar part, but oh-so-wrong about the nonsense part.
According Wikipedia (because, as a member, I’m permitted to look and those not yet initiated aren’t):
During the Mercury-Atlas 8 mission (part of the United States space program), astronaut Wally Schirra was asked by a ground controller whether he was a turtle. Not wanting to use vulgar language while his communications were being broadcast worldwide, he temporarily stopped transmitting while he gave the required response.
Deke Slayton, a mere 3 minutes into Sigma 7’s flight, came on the radio, which was open for everyone to hear, and asked, “Hey, Wally, are you a turtle?”. Schirra switched his mic from live to record and uttered the appropriate response. On the open line, he said, “Rog.”[5]
Later, on board the USS Kearsarge (CV-33), in front of Slayton, Walt Williams and the other astronauts, Walt Williams demanded to know how Schirra replied to Deke’s question. Shirra played the recorder. “Hey, Wally, are you a turtle?” followed by the proper response.[2] This incident is also recounted in Tom Wolfe’s book The Right Stuff.[6]
Oh, oh, oh, oh…I want to be in the Turtle Club. 🙂 I somehow missed the spatchcocking competition, but I’m not missing sign-ups for the Turtle Club. I’ll study night and day. I’ll do whatever it takes. 🙂
Gloria, my brain is wiggling after this post! Your blogs are like a tin of sardines, so much info and interesting packed into ONE post! I find myself scrambling trying to figure out what to say.
Spatchcocking — not a word I had EVER heard of. You’ve enlightened me, and for that I thank you, dear lady. I can always expect to come here and find mad genus and leave a bit more knowledgable on things I would have otherwise never known.
Hm . . . these riddles. I think I am going to take a stab at number four only. Is it his stomach?? Or, should I say, gut?
~ Cara
Nope, sorry Cara! The answer to #4 is not gut, but you are the third person who took that path. So, you are among talented, intelligent writers in making that leap. Even with an outie belly button…
And, if his gut is hanging out of his pajamas, I might suggest he take a quick trip to the men’s section at Sears. Just sayin…
[Squee! Cara, the Queen of command of the English language, the blogger who compels me to open Google for word definition in her literary prose, the person who learned a new word from Noogle Noggin’.]
Oh. man, I thought I had that one right for sure! You have me wondering . . .
Yes! A new word for me indeed! You teach me good, Gloria. 😉
Really, Gloria? Spatchcocking? Don’t you think English is hard enough for me??
lol xoxo
Waving, Hi! Carole — oh fit and wise one.
Here’s the deal. When you can provide me with the proper French translation for a two word phrase you must feel is best expressed in English…
We’ll talk.
Hi Gloria! Nope, I’m still struggling to answer the second item …
Cheers!
Think proper etiquette, Nigel. A day with The Queen, with her faithful Corgies (sp? and too lazy to look it up) at her side.
That is all…
Hmmm. Must check my email. Did you solve the other three?
Since this was a drinking game invented by brave fighter pilots in England during WWII — men who fly those machines you so love to post about — I feel certain you want to and should be a member of The Ancient and Honourable Order of Turtles.
You are so crazy, but let me tell you never a dull moment here! ha ha ha, love it!
I’ve been called worse than crazy, Hildie. You don’t scare me. 😉
I’ll be stalking you in HOTlanta at Nationals seeking
locations for the best CW dance jointsautographs on your books.Gloria, what a hoot. I must say I read your post last week during a lunch break, but got interrupted and I forgot that I didn’t post my comment. I had a great word for you, but now I can’t find it 😦 James Frey used it in his book How to Write a Damn Good Thriller. I will find it one day!
I would pretend I’ve been waiting to respond to your comment until you remembered the word, but that would be a BFL (Big Fat Lie).
It’s an acronym I plan to make cliché one of these days.
What? No best guesses on clean answers for The Turtle Club? Chicken. Unspatchcocked, of course.
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I picked up a chicken just a couple of hours ago with the plan to spatchcock it this weekend. You see, I found that turkey is just the gateway meat when it comes to spatchcocking. Now, I’m doing it to chickens, too. My greatest desire is to get my hands on a goose and give it a spatchcocking whirl. My favorite part? Being in the grocery store with my 15-yr-old daughter and calling across the freezer case to her with a fake British accent, “Oh, my! Wouldn’t it be lovely to spatchcock a chicken this evening? What do you think your father would say?” Of course, she pretends not to know me.
Thanks so much for the shout out. 🙂
Piper! I’m honored you popped over for a visit. I’ve (obviously) been a blog slug (in my case, glob slug) because I haven’t taken the time to comment on the many fun and educational posts you and your cohort, Holmes, post.
I’m always seeking ways to shout out about and connect with you and your blog.
Hi Gloria!
I must say that I really like your writing style. Lots of sass, humor, and a bit of sarcasm thrown in. Not to mention that I sense a bit of naughtiness! Every one of my answers here would have been on the dirty side. 🙂
Happy to be following your blog thanks to Jenny Hansen.
Phil
http://www.blog.theregularguynyc.com
OMGosh, Phil. It’s truly an honor to have you say you like my writing style. Your style is hysterical and a fun, fun, read.
I think you have the potential to be the next Dave Barry. LOL lines popped my kettle corn throughout your latest article. Look for a ping-back one day.
I’m
stalkingfollowing you now. You have been warned.Quite perceptive of you to pick up that I have a naughty side. Double entendre and I are best buddies.