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Welcome to The Spatchcock Wonkipedia, dedicated to exploring the English language as used in the United States, Canada, in Britain; a compilation of terms that pop by kettle corn, toast my marshmallows, or sizzle my fizz.

[I am on a quest to build a Guinness World Record Worthy list of cliché twists. You have been warned.]

You may or may not be curious about the source of the name and the notion for The Spatchcock Wonkipedia.

If you are not curious tough noogies  please skip this first section titled:

SPATCHCOCK–THE SCOOBY DOO

Many squats ago, before I began to exorcise my butt dimples, when Thanksgiving was an unthawed Turkey away, Jenny Hansen posted a blog titled Do you have Turkey Block?

My time-suck penchant for checking back on blog comments paid off on this particular post. Hidden in the depths of comments filled with empathy and sage advice on cooking a delicious turkey (some of which, I am so going to try), I found a gem.

This gem? Piper Bayard of a rocking fun and informative blog popped into comments and recommended spatchcocking a turkey. In her words, “I spatchcocked my turkey this year. Mostly because I love to say, “spatchcocked.”

That statement tooted my kazoo. [I warned you!] 

Before all of the testosterone-infused, hangy-down-part-proud, male readers wince, spatchcocking does not mean what you might think.

It’s much worse.

According to another, lesser known, w-something icky-pedia site, spatchcocking is a cooking method wherein you split open (a poultry or game bird) to prepare it for grilling, roasting, or broiling.

So, aforementioned hangy-down-part-proud male readers? You are safe. Males are too ornery and tough to eat. In the rooster, Thanksgiving culinary sense of…

MOOving right along and out of the double entendre zone.

I issued a challenge to the first person who posted a blog with the word Spatchcock in the title. There may have been a prize. If yes, I can’t remember what I promised.

K.B. (Kathy) Owen, have your peeps call my peeps. We’ll put you on hold so you don’t steal my he-he-he glee a second time. Call soon and often.

I single out Historical Mystery Author, K.B. Owen, because she posted a blog that very same day titled Reflecting Back, Moving Forward, and Spatchcocking. Yeah. I know. The segue from one to the other is tenuous, at best.

In the comments section of her recent post, wherein she revealed the cover for her soon-to-be-published debut novel, Dangerous and Unseemly, K.B. took the opportunity to remind me of my commitment to post about Spatchcocking.

[EDITORIAL NOTE: I tried to import a copy of that cover, but couldn’t get it done this side of sleepy-bye time. Click the link. Ooh and Aaah over the cover. It rocks!] 

Lacking a willing victim good man to participate in whatever naughty notion he may have originally associated with the word, I chose instead to create a wordplay series.

WHAT’S ON THE AGENDA?

Beats the hell out of me. See? I didn’t even cross that out. I take my word play seriously, but rarely know what’s going to pop into my noggin.

In future installments, you might learn:

  • Why Brits laugh when they visit Knob Lick, MO
  • Why I will never again say “I got bonked with a baseball bat,” and
  • Why a man need not cross his legs when asked “May I have a butchers at your spotted dick?”

There will be tips for Americans traveling to England. There will be snippets of “say whaaaat?” web URLs, signs and headlines.

For this installment, I bring you what I consider to be one of the best word play games.

BONUS! If you pass this test, you get to join a prestigious club known as:

THE ANCIENT AND HONOURABLE ORDER OF TURTLES (aka The Turtle Club)

I officially earned admission to The Turtle Club during my days in Corporate America. It happened one raucous night in a convention hospitality suite. I surprised even myself when I found the clean answers to seemingly naughty riddles floating about in my tipsy (toppled?) grey matter.

According to Wikipedia, the Turtle Club:

“…  started as an informal “drinking club” between World War II pilots, self-described as “an honorable drinking fraternity composed of ladies and gentlemen of the highest morals and good character, who are never vulgar.”

Okay. I get it! I may need remedial training on that last bit. Still, I belong.

IF YOU ARE A MEMBER OF THE TURTLE CLUB, you know the required response to prove membership. Email me off-loop (Gloria(at)gloriarichardwrites(dot)com). Members are specifically prohibited from sharing this Intel with non-turtles.

On with the game. The following four questions all have “clean” answers despite the off-color or vulgar ones that might initially pop into your heads.

In order to keep the game and guessing alive for all participants, please indicate which of these you think you solved (by number) in comments and email me off loop (Gloria(at)gloriarichardwrites(dot)com) or send a direct message on Twitter to @gloriawrites.

The riddle-thon will remain open until 7 p.m. Central on Tuesday, January 30th. I will loop back in to let participants know if they solved the riddles, and will provide the answers in the comments section on Tuesday evening.

Okay. Put on your goody-two-shoes. Get ready to play. Here are the official four riddles:

  1. What is a four letter word that ends with “k” and means to have intercourse?
  2. What does a woman do sitting down, that a dog does on three legs, and a man does standing up?
  3. What is it on a man that is round, hard, and sticks so far out his pajamas that you can hang a hat on it?
  4. What does a cow have four of and woman only two?

Okay! That’s it!

Remember. NO SPOILERS! If you solve one, some or all of the riddles, email the answers to me or Direct Message Tweet @gloriawrites.

WHAT’S UP WITH GOOGLE EXPRESSLY PROHIBITED?

I hope all readers follow my request to STEP AWAY FROM GOOGLE (and Bing, and Yahoo! and all other searches for The Turtle Club.) Some of you might think, “HA! She’ll never know.”

I may have connections with the EF BE EYE and you know those dudes don’t mess around. When on a covert mission, that is. I choose not to can’t speak for other times.

I also asked Kevin Hanrahan for an assist. Take a peek at the forces he graciously brought to the table for me. Still tempted to cheat?

I thought not.

Kevin Hanrahan is the author of the novel in manuscript, Paws on the Ground…a novel about U.S. Soldiers and the dogs that protect them in the treacherous and alien terrain of Afghanistan.  He is the winner of the 2011 James River Writers Conference “Pitchapalooza” competition.

He has served three combat tours and was awarded two Bronze Stars and an Army Commendation Medal for Valor.

The novel is based on Hanrahan’s twenty years of Army service (Thank you, Kevin!), his experiences as a company commander in Iraq and his experience as the Deputy Provost Marshal for U.S. forces in Afghanistan.  While in Afghanistan, Hanrahan was instrumental in spearheading the surge of dogs into Afghanistan and lobbied the Army to adopt an innovative and life saving explosive detecting dog program.

I encourage you to hop over to Kevin’s site to see the rest of the pictures he has in today’s post titled Top Military Dog Pictures of the Year.

NOW THAT WE’VE HANDLED THAT!

What other wordplay would you like to explore in the SPATCHCOCK WONKIPEDIA?

You know the drill. Leave a comment! Please! I do my second best work in comments on blogs. My first best thing? Oh, gosh! Look at the time! Gotta roll!

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