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Following is an excerpt from my weekly report to critique buddies, Sherry Isaac, Carole St. Laurent, and Sharon Clare. It was that Sherry Isaac person who suggested I cut & paste this for my regular Monday Glob post.

If you find it in poor taste, please use this handy link to let her know.

I have issues.

I have dimples.

[Editorial Note: I couldn’t could, but choose not to quell my desire to add comments to the original copy. Said comments are formatted as Editorial Notes.]

REPORT FOR WEEK OF 9/9/12 (Final Topic Text)

[With additional comments. See? Not that hard to spot the commentary, is it?]

On the “you have GOT to be kidding me” front:

Mirrors in our master bath face each other, and I noticed *gasp* unsightly dimples on my butt and thighs.

[In the interest of full and fair murky entirely self-serving disclosure, those dimples were not there the last time I looked, a mere two months decades ago. And, they appeared to be in early onset stage.]

So, I Googled home remedies.

Turns out the most effective way to deal with them is to exercise (squats, lunges, resistance training, aerobic exercise), exfoliate, and moisturize.

[Phew! I had a regular exercise program. ERK! Key operative there? HAD. I HAD one before my six-week writing retreat sabbatical. Routine workouts returned to my weekly goals list.]

However, Google also provided several references to use of warm coffee grounds.

Hmmm.

We make coffee every day. I could use those grounds to “mix with 2 T of olive oil and rub them in a circular motion on the problem area, leaving as much residue as possible.” (It’s the caffeine in the grounds that gets blood moving and breaks up the inverted bumps.)

The articles recommended standing on newspaper or a towel.

With good reason.

The article also said adding Oil of Juniper or Rosemary helped. As did a seaweed wrap UNDER the requisite plastic wrap one is supposed to put over the coffee-grounds-and-seaweed treatment area.

[Seaweed wraps are a way to amp the effectiveness of the coffee grounds treatment. After much searching, I happened upon dried seaweed sheets in the Asian Foods aisle at Central Market. For the oil, I chose Juniper Berry. It has a pungent an obnoxious odor; particularly when used in combination with wet seaweed.]

Ever try to wrap Saran Wrap around your thighs and rear?

[While holding sheets of wet seaweed against your derriere?]

No? NOT EASY.

Where is the plastic wrap that doesn’t stick to itself when I need it?

Total time for this ten minute “cure” — from set up to rub down, shower and clean-up?

An hour.

Sixty minutes.

A writing session worth of vanity dilly-dallying. I completed four sessions and gave it up.

I’d rather have a shot at the Golden Heart award ceremony (with clothes covering my dimples) than a half-a$$ ALL INN and a smooth-a$$ butt. There is a blog waiting to happen with that story, btw.

End of weekly report.

THE REPORT AFTERMATH

My goals for Sunday included writing a blog article. The aforementioned Sherry Isaac person* sent an email. “You have your blog article. Just C&P.”

(*Again, link provided for complaints. Or, tweet her: @sherryisaac. Or, if you’d like to get a look at her face, hop on over and give her some Facebook likes on her Sherry Isaac Storyteller author page. She’s so dang likeable!)

Really?

Yebbit…

I Have Squat to Add

Well, okay, I can do a shout out to Ginger Calem.

Ginger writes a weekly WritersButt Wednesday post that rocks.

It covers healthy habits: sleeping, water consumption, healthy eating, and exercise. That handy link will take you to Ginger’s most recent WritersButt post.

One of her posts mentioned using potty breaks as an opportunity to do a quick set of ten squats. I loved that idea.

I write at Stabucks most days, and drink copious amounts of Tazo Zen Iced Greed Tea. I experience many opportunities for behind-the-closed-and-locked-door sets of squats.

Plus, I know the day will come when someone knocks on the Starbucks ladies room door and I’ll be able to say, “Just a minute! I’m doing squats in here.”

How fun is that going to be?

Love your column, Ginger.

[Do you have dimples? What? None of my business? Alrighty, then. Moving on.]

Late breaking news from YebbitVille…

Yebbit, I Want Before and After Pictures for the Post

So, this meant I had to make the supreme sacrifice and suffer through one more session with coffee grounds, olive oil, juniper berry oil, moistened sheets of seaweed, and plastic wrap.

This is the before picture of the ingredients.

All neat and tidy, aren’t they?

The pan of water? It’s for rinsing my hands between massaging the concoction and handling the plastic wrap.

White towels in background? Rubbing that gunk off before stepping into the shower.

So.

Off we go to the master bathroom. I shut the doors. There’s only so much humiliation I can handle. I even lock Molly Dog (my lab) out. Not because she has hidden cameras. Because she’s goofy enough to eat the stuff when it falls.

Molly and I are kindred spirits.

I mix and massage my skin with the coffee grounds – vigorously, as directed.

I moisten and slap the seaweed onto the — er — appropriate area of my person.

I get a great idea on this round.

Why tear off individual sheets of plastic wrap when I can take out the entire roll and wind it round and round?

Brilliant, right?

Only problem — niggling little detail…

When one wraps a continuous sheet of plastic wrap around thigh one, that person must then fully encase the second thigh in a mummy-like connection to thigh number one.

And, continue to wrap north until all coffee grounds are covered.

So! Timer set for the requisite ten minutes. I decide to multitask. I floss my teeth.

Somewhere between molar three and four, I think, “Hmmm. I’m supposed to be doing something else during this ten minute window.”

Oh, right. I’m supposed to run a rolling pin over the area in dimple-dom during those ten minutes. So. There I stood, looking like a naked mermaid (sans long, flowing locks) in a brown speckled and pooh-green plastic tail.

Even if I had been able to move more than two inches at a time, I would not leave that bathroom.

What to do? What to do? Oh, right! The roll of plastic wrap!

It took a bit more pressure (upper body workout?), but it was the best I could do.

Ding! Time’s up.

I unwrap and swipe the coffee grounds (et al) from my body and onto a beach towel.

I mean, really. Who wants that mess in their shower?

This aftermath picture was not altered.

The black patches are seaweed. The green and white towels? Stolen Borrowed from the workout room at the club and trashed out of respect for my club.

The broken glass-like substance?

Abused plastic wrap.

This documents the fifth and final time I will visit Dimple-Dumb with coffee grounds in hand.

If I mention it again, you have my permission to bonk me with the rolling pin that escaped this escapade.

Please do not try this at your home. [Yeah. Like I needed to advise that. Right?]

So, this dingbat wants to know. What in the heck was I thinking? Or, was I?

Help me! Don’t make me stand alone in the “dumb things I’ve tried” zone. Tell me about your misadventures, or laugh at me. Go ahead. I deserve it.

Until next time!