Following is an excerpt from my weekly report to critique buddies, Sherry Isaac, Carole St. Laurent, and Sharon Clare. It was that Sherry Isaac person who suggested I cut & paste this for my regular Monday Glob post.
If you find it in poor taste, please use this handy link to let her know.
I have issues.
I have dimples.
[Editorial Note: I couldn’t could, but choose not to quell my desire to add comments to the original copy. Said comments are formatted as Editorial Notes.]
REPORT FOR WEEK OF 9/9/12 (Final Topic Text)
[With additional comments. See? Not that hard to spot the commentary, is it?]
On the “you have GOT to be kidding me” front:
Mirrors in our master bath face each other, and I noticed *gasp* unsightly dimples on my butt and thighs.
[In the interest of full and fair murky entirely self-serving disclosure, those dimples were not there the last time I looked, a mere two months decades ago. And, they appeared to be in early onset stage.]
So, I Googled home remedies.
Turns out the most effective way to deal with them is to exercise (squats, lunges, resistance training, aerobic exercise), exfoliate, and moisturize.
[Phew! I had a regular exercise program. ERK! Key operative there? HAD. I HAD one before my six-week writing retreat sabbatical. Routine workouts returned to my weekly goals list.]
However, Google also provided several references to use of warm coffee grounds.
Hmmm.
We make coffee every day. I could use those grounds to “mix with 2 T of olive oil and rub them in a circular motion on the problem area, leaving as much residue as possible.” (It’s the caffeine in the grounds that gets blood moving and breaks up the inverted bumps.)
The articles recommended standing on newspaper or a towel.
With good reason.
The article also said adding Oil of Juniper or Rosemary helped. As did a seaweed wrap UNDER the requisite plastic wrap one is supposed to put over the coffee-grounds-and-seaweed treatment area.
[Seaweed wraps are a way to amp the effectiveness of the coffee grounds treatment. After much searching, I happened upon dried seaweed sheets in the Asian Foods aisle at Central Market. For the oil, I chose Juniper Berry. It has a pungent an obnoxious odor; particularly when used in combination with wet seaweed.]
Ever try to wrap Saran Wrap around your thighs and rear?
[While holding sheets of wet seaweed against your derriere?]
No? NOT EASY.
Where is the plastic wrap that doesn’t stick to itself when I need it?
Total time for this ten minute “cure” — from set up to rub down, shower and clean-up?
An hour.
Sixty minutes.
A writing session worth of vanity dilly-dallying. I completed four sessions and gave it up.
I’d rather have a shot at the Golden Heart award ceremony (with clothes covering my dimples) than a half-a$$ ALL INN and a smooth-a$$ butt. There is a blog waiting to happen with that story, btw.
End of weekly report.
THE REPORT AFTERMATH
My goals for Sunday included writing a blog article. The aforementioned Sherry Isaac person* sent an email. “You have your blog article. Just C&P.”
(*Again, link provided for complaints. Or, tweet her: @sherryisaac. Or, if you’d like to get a look at her face, hop on over and give her some Facebook likes on her Sherry Isaac Storyteller author page. She’s so dang likeable!)
Really?
Yebbit…
I Have Squat to Add
Well, okay, I can do a shout out to Ginger Calem.
Ginger writes a weekly WritersButt Wednesday post that rocks.
It covers healthy habits: sleeping, water consumption, healthy eating, and exercise. That handy link will take you to Ginger’s most recent WritersButt post.
One of her posts mentioned using potty breaks as an opportunity to do a quick set of ten squats. I loved that idea.
I write at Stabucks most days, and drink copious amounts of Tazo Zen Iced Greed Tea. I experience many opportunities for behind-the-closed-and-locked-door sets of squats.
Plus, I know the day will come when someone knocks on the Starbucks ladies room door and I’ll be able to say, “Just a minute! I’m doing squats in here.”
How fun is that going to be?
Love your column, Ginger.
[Do you have dimples? What? None of my business? Alrighty, then. Moving on.]
Late breaking news from YebbitVille…
Yebbit, I Want Before and After Pictures for the Post
So, this meant I had to make the supreme sacrifice and suffer through one more session with coffee grounds, olive oil, juniper berry oil, moistened sheets of seaweed, and plastic wrap.
This is the before picture of the ingredients.
All neat and tidy, aren’t they?
The pan of water? It’s for rinsing my hands between massaging the concoction and handling the plastic wrap.
White towels in background? Rubbing that gunk off before stepping into the shower.
So.
Off we go to the master bathroom. I shut the doors. There’s only so much humiliation I can handle. I even lock Molly Dog (my lab) out. Not because she has hidden cameras. Because she’s goofy enough to eat the stuff when it falls.
Molly and I are kindred spirits.
I mix and massage my skin with the coffee grounds – vigorously, as directed.
I moisten and slap the seaweed onto the — er — appropriate area of my person.
I get a great idea on this round.
Why tear off individual sheets of plastic wrap when I can take out the entire roll and wind it round and round?
Brilliant, right?
Only problem — niggling little detail…
When one wraps a continuous sheet of plastic wrap around thigh one, that person must then fully encase the second thigh in a mummy-like connection to thigh number one.
And, continue to wrap north until all coffee grounds are covered.
So! Timer set for the requisite ten minutes. I decide to multitask. I floss my teeth.
Somewhere between molar three and four, I think, “Hmmm. I’m supposed to be doing something else during this ten minute window.”
Oh, right. I’m supposed to run a rolling pin over the area in dimple-dom during those ten minutes. So. There I stood, looking like a naked mermaid (sans long, flowing locks) in a brown speckled and pooh-green plastic tail.
Even if I had been able to move more than two inches at a time, I would not leave that bathroom.
What to do? What to do? Oh, right! The roll of plastic wrap!
It took a bit more pressure (upper body workout?), but it was the best I could do.
Ding! Time’s up.
I unwrap and swipe the coffee grounds (et al) from my body and onto a beach towel.
I mean, really. Who wants that mess in their shower?
This aftermath picture was not altered.
The black patches are seaweed. The green and white towels? Stolen Borrowed from the workout room at the club and trashed out of respect for my club.
The broken glass-like substance?
Abused plastic wrap.
This documents the fifth and final time I will visit Dimple-Dumb with coffee grounds in hand.
If I mention it again, you have my permission to bonk me with the rolling pin that escaped this escapade.
Please do not try this at your home. [Yeah. Like I needed to advise that. Right?]
So, this dingbat wants to know. What in the heck was I thinking? Or, was I?
Help me! Don’t make me stand alone in the “dumb things I’ve tried” zone. Tell me about your misadventures, or laugh at me. Go ahead. I deserve it.
Until next time!
*grin* thanks for the fun read. I’ve always maintained writing leads to bottom spread. Um, why didn’t you remove one of the mirrors so you didn’t have to see?
Hi, Shelley! Thanks for the visit and the suggestion. I knew there was a better use for that rolling pin.
One that didn’t involve cherry pie filling and weeks worth of guilt-tripping.
OMGosh! I was laughing out loud! Too funny.
Thanks for the visit and the LOL, Jenny.
You, my dear, are living proof that those with more
saneproductive strategies for use of their time tend to produce more.Can’t wait to read your story in the Anthology.
Gloria, you had me reading at full giggle, especially when you, for art’s sake, succumbed one more time. The pictures are great but where’s the one of your shrink-wrapped butt? (Don’t you love the pun?) You most assuredly get the prize for trying anything once, twice…FIVE times!
“Shrink-wrapped” and “butt” definitely do not belong in the same sentence, Elaine.
Yes. Do not plant a ‘what if’ idea — good, bad, or wonky — in my noggin.
How do you know the fifth time wasn’t the magic formula? Five times and I’m cured! I’m cured!
Okay. I’m also delusional, but that’s a topic for another day.
I’ve said it before, Gloria, and I’ll say it again: If you’re gonna squat, the bathroom is where you ought to be!
Love Shelley Munro’s practical advice. Why do we overlook the obvious?
As goal-buddy, I have to ask, you didn’t use a writing session to google butt dimple remedies, did you?
Thanks for all the Twitter and Blog Follow recommendations. You forgot to add my Facebook page for Likes. Just sayin’.
*Rolling eyes and whistling about when I Googled Butt Dimples*
I can not tell a lie. Well, I can, but I won’t. I do not recall. Aunt Maureen will probably try something like this in ALL INN. It was research! Geesh!
Oh! And that dangling misstep of connections for The Sherry Isaac. The link was added above and here and here and here.
KA-snort!
You are a riot! I grinned through this whole post and thank you so much for the awesome shout out. I really appreciate it.
If everyone drinks as much water as I suggest, I’m thinking they’re getting about 100 squats a day! Woo!!
I’ve been using your squat advice since I read the original article. Love. It.
I already have 27 in for the day.
Dang female population here at Starbucks is out-of-control of their bladders today. Despite intentions to the contrary, I didn’t have the nerve to shout “Leave me alone! I’m squatting!” this morning when someone knocked.
100% priceless!!
Gloria, you had me in stitches yesterday and now again. I think this story will live on for a long time.
Will try to keep all mention of your oil of juniper and seaweed smooth butt concoction out of the congrats speech when you win the GH!
You have my permission to mention my smooth butt in your introductory speech.
The pretend one you practice while you, Carole, Sherry and I goof off in the suite prior to the gala.
And, just so everyone knows I’m not a total egotist. My goal is to have my Golden Heart entry submitted for consideration. My dream is that it will garner points high enough to warrant a Golden Heart.
Oh. Gaaah! The smell of Juniper Berry and Seaweed lives on in my garage — from the deep, dark depths of the garbage can. I think it’s even repelling spiders and snakes.
Gloria, you are GOLDEN, and you have HEART!
Okay, Gloria, only you, only you can make laugh out loud, sitting at my computer while I should be on the road to Doctor in Greenville.
The mirror removal is a good suggestion.
I want a before and after picture of the dimples. To verify if they have diminished.
And I suppose now that you have a smooth butt, you’ll be all eager to wear the thong I know you bought in T.O….
😉
What? You think I would take a picture of “before?” Really? [Note to self: delete incriminating pictures from iPhone.]
No. My thongs are still virgin undies. They sit in my undie drawer crying for attention, but I haven’t yet had the need for a WHITE pair. It was only after I purchase the WHITE thongs (to wear with a white skirt) that you educated me on the need to wear neutral or flesh tone under white.
The virgin status of my thongs is on your head, Ms. St-Laurent.
You are not alone and I work out and eat rather healthily. Still have dimples. If I cut out sugar all together maybe they’d go away. But what’s life without sugar? I’m not willing to find out. So, I’m going to eat a cookie and think about how old I’m getting. 🙂
ACK! Do not give me a reason to get up from this chair and drive to Yogurtland for a dimple-doldrums sugar hit.
It says one can cure the calamity through focused exercise, ten specific good-for-skin foods, daily Loofah rubs, and moisturizing.
It’s on the Internet. It has to be true. Silly goose.
And, you can’t think about how old you are getting because you don’t know your age. Remember?
I NEVER look back there. Okay I do and its not pretty, but saran seaweed wrap? No way! The clean up alone on those coffee grounds can’t be worth it. Your butt looks great to me!
Unfortunately, I’ve been looking back there frequently since I discovered my issue. Progress checks and all. It’s much the same
insanityrationale that prompts me to practice my one-lesson belly-dance shimmy when the thought strikes.I want to make sure I’ve made progress on the bells jiggling more than my thighs.
Now that I’ve recovered from my coffee grounds habit, I have to stop looking.
Why?
I don’t want to discover the coffee grounds made a difference. NEVER AGAIN!
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Too funny Gloria! Coffee grounds? Seaweed? and a rolling pin? Can’t make this stuff up. why in the world did the first person try this? I mean, who would imagine deciding this, out of everything in the world, would help cellulite? I don’t get it! But I love the fact that you tried it and let us know, so we never, ever, ever, have to do it ourselves. I’m keeping my dimples! 🙂 They’re cute!
Everything about you is cute, Jessica.
Yeah. You can dig your toe in the ground and do the “aw, shucks,” thank you. You deserve it.
While you were busy writing your second soon-to-be-published* book, I was busy taking coffee grounds to places Guatemalan coffee farmers thought their beans would never go.
*Congrats and a huge round of applause
I’ve yet to meet you in person, Gloria, but (pun intended) your descriptions provided me with enough imagery of you applying coffee grounds to your backside that I feel like we’re best buds now. Only BFF’s would take one for the team like you did. Thanks for that. 😉
*finds receipt to return juniper oil and places plastic wrap back in drawer in the kitchen before anyone gets home*
Ka-snort, Tami!
First, go the oil of rosemary route. Oh…
You don’t intend to try this at all, do you? I have it on good authority that Benedict will be there to help you with anything. But, you’re right. This is a task and topic best kept between BFFs.
Aftermath tidbit? I made tapioca pudding for The Hubster a couple of nights ago. I used a sheet of plastic wrap to seal it while it cooled. It took a few minutes for me to identify the source of brown flecks on the surface of said tapioca. Without disclosing anything, I opened a new roll of plastic wrap, and removed the brown flecks.
He didn’t die.
Thanks for the visit. BTW, I saved the articles on your Rome visit for a leisurely read. I want to soak up all the salient details.
Gloria … I’d say you left me speechless … but nothing actually shuts me up 🙂 I did have an inspiration for a new product. You can give me a percentage of the millions you’ll make.
Get a group of Columbian or Peruvian coffee growers to grind up the suckers, mix with that special coffee soil from the mountains (you know where Juan Valdez lives?) then make special dimple reducing mud bath solution. Spas would eat it up. Housewives will pay a fortune. Not only does it reduce and eliminate dimples in all areas, it helps reduce cellulite, sage and bags and those inner thighs that travel towards the knees at a “certain” age. (No age jokes please) … Market it as the newest wrinkle and dimple mud. And as an extra bonus … take a small portion and brew it … sink into the coffee-mud, enjoy a cafe late and rejuvinate !! Remember I want to get paid when you make a fortune from this amazing new product. Starbucks might give you backing (back-ings pun intended) …
Now I think I’ll snort orange soda … watch tiny little orange bubbles, which rise and make me feel good … and take a dip in my evening coffee 🙂
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LOL! “…those dimples were not there the last time I looked, a mere two months decades ago.” You never disappoint, Gloria.
Just curious, the dimples are on your bottom, you say? Is there presence preventing you from wearing something out in public, like, perhaps a thong? 😉 I only ask because, well, I myself suffer from cellulite and dimply cheeks (the southern ones of course), and while there are certainly unsightly, my husband and I are really the only ones to see them. And he does’t seem to mind so much. If I had my choice, though, I would do any sort of holy-poky dance to rid my skin of them, but since I cannot, I just show ignoring and try not to look over my shoulder while I’m naked.
Oh, the stories I could tell you — mine revolve mostly around hair coloring. Using a $5 box of Clairol Hair Dye, I once dyed my hair blonde — no, no, that’s not right. I “attempted” to once dye my hair blonde, and instead was surprised by this bronze/pee yellow fusion. Now, I stick to a plan! And good hair products!
Hoping you are well!
~ Cara
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