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I am thrilled to welcome Presidential Candidate Piper Bayard and Space-Saving Vice Presidential Candidate Kristen Lamb to Gloria Richard Writes. This team deserves your vote. If you can write their names (and yours), I am convinced we can rock the political insiders. Vote for Bayard/Lamb because they aren’t the other guys.

There is nothing I can say that is more clever or more on-point than the FOXIE with MOXIE team.


The PALE WRITER OF THE APOCALYPSE launched her presidential campaign in October, 2011. Since then, she has answered constituent questions with wisdom, keen understanding of the dysfunctional process in Washington, and satirical humor. She caused more Starbucks Zen Green Tea spews on my keyboard than it was meant to handle.

If you haven’t yet visited the blog she shares with her future Secretary of Defense, Holmes, bop over and read through the archives. She hooked me on my first visit. CAUTION: Do not drink while reading Piper’s words of satirical and sometimes PG13 naughty wisdom.


The team bills her as a space-saving Vice Presidential running mate, but I can’t imagine the author of WARRIOR-WRITER blog as anything but in-your-face. I met her for the first time last Saturday at a Warrior Writers Boot Camp. She exudes energy.

There are tons of things I could say about this best-selling author of WE ARE NOT ALONE and ARE YOU THERE BLOG? IT’S ME, WRITER. She also teaches an online class in which I enrolled, BLOGGING TO BUILD BRAND.

The reason I’m not panicked about her visit to my site is my presence in those hallowed cyber hallways. She knows I reached the level of Conscious Incompetence. I know that I don’t know squat.

With that, I’m turning the session over to Piper Bayard and Kristen Lamb. They will answer questions I posed. Be sure to leave a comment before you run off to set up campaign headquarters in your garage. TAKE IT AWAY…


B&L, will you follow the long-standing post-election tradition of declaring the same constituents who elect you as being “dumber than dirt” once you’re in office?

Never. Our constituents will have to be literate to write our names in on the ballots, and they will have to understand enough about the political process to know that they can write in our names. That means we will, by definition, have smart constituents, and we will listen to what they say about what they need and want.

What are your thoughts on the congressional retirement plan?

Congress can have a 401(k) like the rest of us. We will match the funds they contribute at 50% up to the first 6% of their salary. When they quit working, we quit contributing.

Nancy Pelosi holds an insurmountable record for number of lip licks from the right seat during presidential addresses. What will Kristen do to compete with Nancy Pelosi’s lip licking?

In the spirit of Kristen’s juvenile humor, she will be giving Piper “bunny ears” at every photographic opportunity.

Do you believe the words “misspoke” and “lied” are synonymous?

We believe euphamisms are killing this country. Call a spade a spade.

Misspoke = I was hoping I could get that one past you.

Congressional misappropriation = stealing.

We’re all going to have to cut back and chip in = I’m going to have to live the same rich lifestyle and you’re going to get to fund it.

What are your thoughts on the US building a fence between America and Mexico?

We think it’s a bad idea for the US to fund a fence between our country and Mexico. Instead, we should have the equivalent of the Oklahoma Land Run and have millions of US citizens run over the border to Mexico and plant flags, claiming Mexico as United States territory. Instead of calling them “Sooners” we will call them “Laters.” Mexico, panicked at the sight of all of these crazy American Laters taking over their country, will happily build the fence themselves. They may even call some of their own citizens home to help construct it.

Image by Sebastian Gunn

I am totally impressed with your selection for Secretary of Defense. Holmes knows the international undercurrents, recent political missteps, and rational options. Since Holmes must remain anonymous, are you planning to borrow Dr. Wilson Wilson’s fence and hat from Tim Allen’s series Home Improvement for him to use during public appearances?

Not the fence. Holmes prefers to stand behind a line of dancing Rockettes rather than a board fence. But he might need the hat.

On it! I began the recruiting process. Please have Holmes ogle preview his anonymity shield.


How high will you rate regulation of salt in my home and restaurants on your national security agenda?

We have better things to do than micromanage people’s salt intake. But keep in mind that we also have better things to spend taxpayer money on than providing health care for people hell bent on self-destruction.

Can one of the Presidential Inaugural balls be held in Climax, PA?

Don’t call us anti-climatic or anything, but our inaugural ball will be in every town in America since we will be having an online tailgating party and a 24-hour Twitterfest.

The 2011 Wasteland Report contained some interesting (freaking redunkulous) stats about funding that remains in place during our current budget crisis. How do you feel about these current tax expenditures?

•   $1.3 million funded by taxpayers to install gas powered generators and televisions in rural Vietnamese towns to facilitate a study of the impact of television on social interaction and reproductive health knowledge.

We believe it is more important to supply gas powered generators and televisions to the taxpaying citizens of rural Arkansas first.

•   $10 million to fund a “remake” of Sesame Street for Pakistan.

The point of Sesame Street is education and literacy. We would instead fund a “remake” of Sesame Street for Detroit, which has a lower literacy rate than Pakistan.

•   $17.8 million in foreign aid to China.

That’s kind of funny since we borrowed the money from them in the first place. We already buy all their stuff and give them all our jobs. Isn’t that enough foreign aid? What more do they want? Okay. They can have the Kardashians and the “real housewives,” but that’s it. That’s where we draw the line.

We’d like to thank Gloria for inviting us here to her blog today. It’s an honor.

If you would like to host a Bayard/Lamb 2012 Campaign Blog Tour Stop, please contact Piper at piperbayard@yahoo.com. Thank you for your support, and remember, Bayard/Lamb 2012 – Because We’re Not the Other Guys.

Channeling an old SNL skit: “Oh, no, no, no. Thank YOU, Piper and Kristen” for the visit and honest answers to my questions. IF YOU’RE READING THIS, click into that comment box below and leave a comment, or add a question to the mix. LOVE COMMENTS and TWEET it out! Bayard and Lamb don’t show up in the same place often. Let your friends know!