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Author, Bayard/Lamb 2012, Contemporary Romance, Gloria Richard, Humor, Kristen Lamb, Piper Bayard, Writer, Writes
I am thrilled to welcome Presidential Candidate Piper Bayard and Space-Saving Vice Presidential Candidate Kristen Lamb to Gloria Richard Writes. This team deserves your vote. If you can write their names (and yours), I am convinced we can rock the political insiders. Vote for Bayard/Lamb because they aren’t the other guys.
There is nothing I can say that is more clever or more on-point than the FOXIE with MOXIE team.
PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE PIPER BAYARD
The PALE WRITER OF THE APOCALYPSE launched her presidential campaign in October, 2011. Since then, she has answered constituent questions with wisdom, keen understanding of the dysfunctional process in Washington, and satirical humor. She caused more Starbucks Zen Green Tea spews on my keyboard than it was meant to handle.
If you haven’t yet visited the blog she shares with her future Secretary of Defense, Holmes, bop over and read through the archives. She hooked me on my first visit. CAUTION: Do not drink while reading Piper’s words of satirical and sometimes PG13 naughty wisdom.
The team bills her as a space-saving Vice Presidential running mate, but I can’t imagine the author of WARRIOR-WRITER blog as anything but in-your-face. I met her for the first time last Saturday at a Warrior Writers Boot Camp. She exudes energy.
There are tons of things I could say about this best-selling author of WE ARE NOT ALONE and ARE YOU THERE BLOG? IT’S ME, WRITER. She also teaches an online class in which I enrolled, BLOGGING TO BUILD BRAND.
The reason I’m not panicked about her visit to my site is my presence in those hallowed cyber hallways. She knows I reached the level of Conscious Incompetence. I know that I don’t know squat.
With that, I’m turning the session over to Piper Bayard and Kristen Lamb. They will answer questions I posed. Be sure to leave a comment before you run off to set up campaign headquarters in your garage. TAKE IT AWAY…
BLOG HALL MEETING WITH BAYARD AND LAMB Q&A
B&L, will you follow the long-standing post-election tradition of declaring the same constituents who elect you as being “dumber than dirt” once you’re in office?
Never. Our constituents will have to be literate to write our names in on the ballots, and they will have to understand enough about the political process to know that they can write in our names. That means we will, by definition, have smart constituents, and we will listen to what they say about what they need and want.
What are your thoughts on the congressional retirement plan?
Congress can have a 401(k) like the rest of us. We will match the funds they contribute at 50% up to the first 6% of their salary. When they quit working, we quit contributing.
Nancy Pelosi holds an insurmountable record for number of lip licks from the right seat during presidential addresses. What will Kristen do to compete with Nancy Pelosi’s lip licking?
In the spirit of Kristen’s juvenile humor, she will be giving Piper “bunny ears” at every photographic opportunity.
Do you believe the words “misspoke” and “lied” are synonymous?
We believe euphamisms are killing this country. Call a spade a spade.
Misspoke = I was hoping I could get that one past you.
Congressional misappropriation = stealing.
We’re all going to have to cut back and chip in = I’m going to have to live the same rich lifestyle and you’re going to get to fund it.
What are your thoughts on the US building a fence between America and Mexico?
We think it’s a bad idea for the US to fund a fence between our country and Mexico. Instead, we should have the equivalent of the Oklahoma Land Run and have millions of US citizens run over the border to Mexico and plant flags, claiming Mexico as United States territory. Instead of calling them “Sooners” we will call them “Laters.” Mexico, panicked at the sight of all of these crazy American Laters taking over their country, will happily build the fence themselves. They may even call some of their own citizens home to help construct it.
Image by Sebastian Gunn
I am totally impressed with your selection for Secretary of Defense. Holmes knows the international undercurrents, recent political missteps, and rational options. Since Holmes must remain anonymous, are you planning to borrow Dr. Wilson Wilson’s fence and hat from Tim Allen’s series Home Improvement for him to use during public appearances?
Not the fence. Holmes prefers to stand behind a line of dancing Rockettes rather than a board fence. But he might need the hat.
How high will you rate regulation of salt in my home and restaurants on your national security agenda?
We have better things to do than micromanage people’s salt intake. But keep in mind that we also have better things to spend taxpayer money on than providing health care for people hell bent on self-destruction.
Can one of the Presidential Inaugural balls be held in Climax, PA?
Don’t call us anti-climatic or anything, but our inaugural ball will be in every town in America since we will be having an online tailgating party and a 24-hour Twitterfest.
The 2011 Wasteland Report contained some interesting (freaking redunkulous) stats about funding that remains in place during our current budget crisis. How do you feel about these current tax expenditures?
• $1.3 million funded by taxpayers to install gas powered generators and televisions in rural Vietnamese towns to facilitate a study of the impact of television on social interaction and reproductive health knowledge.
We believe it is more important to supply gas powered generators and televisions to the taxpaying citizens of rural Arkansas first.
• $10 million to fund a “remake” of Sesame Street for Pakistan.
The point of Sesame Street is education and literacy. We would instead fund a “remake” of Sesame Street for Detroit, which has a lower literacy rate than Pakistan.
• $17.8 million in foreign aid to China.
That’s kind of funny since we borrowed the money from them in the first place. We already buy all their stuff and give them all our jobs. Isn’t that enough foreign aid? What more do they want? Okay. They can have the Kardashians and the “real housewives,” but that’s it. That’s where we draw the line.
We’d like to thank Gloria for inviting us here to her blog today. It’s an honor.
If you would like to host a Bayard/Lamb 2012 Campaign Blog Tour Stop, please contact Piper at piperbayard@yahoo.com. Thank you for your support, and remember, Bayard/Lamb 2012 – Because We’re Not the Other Guys.
Channeling an old SNL skit: “Oh, no, no, no. Thank YOU, Piper and Kristen” for the visit and honest answers to my questions. IF YOU’RE READING THIS, click into that comment box below and leave a comment, or add a question to the mix. LOVE COMMENTS and TWEET it out! Bayard and Lamb don’t show up in the same place often. Let your friends know!
Gloria Richard 
Can I double my LOL? What a terrific post. I am writing in the Bayard/Lamb ticket for sure. Just wish I could vote them in in the primaries. They would add some much needed reality to the craziness that’s out there. Has anyone asked in the debates about messing with the 2011 Wasteland report. Just cutting our aid to China would make me happy! Let’s vote with our pens as well as our brains! Bayard/Lamb for 2012!
Waving, “HI!” Jessica!
The BAYARD/LAMB ticket rocks anything I’ve seen on the campaign circuit. Wouldn’t it be a hoot to have them in one of the debates?
NOTE TO SELF: Contact national news networks after five. Hope to find a program exec who drinks on the job.
Google 2011 WASTELAND if you want more molar-grinding proof Washington
operates on what they believe to be the dumb-bunny backs of the taxpayers. I may do a follow-up post with others I found in that report.
Thank you for your support, Jessica. I like that saying. Vote with Your Pens. 🙂
Gloria, I always suspected you were as “cracked” as I am … not I have written proof 🙂
I am a throw back to the days this rhetoric was supposed to be “new.” How about Alfred E. Newman for Secretary of State; Miss Piggy as the head of Homeland Surity … after all, no terriorist would mess with Miss Piggy? The solution to the economy is to declare the US as a third world country and let the European Economic Complex and China provide needed dollars to fund housing, education and health care … pay for our military and then get the Russian Maffia (former KGB thugs) to use the billions they bilk from illegal sales of diamonds and oil to provide for our arts funding?
Then we can send about twenty million “boat” people to places like Vietnam, establish communes and tent cities in the Carribbean (I mean it’s warm and lots of vegetation) and flood Asia with billions of useless trinkets so they can do a study of how the newly liberated Chinese housewife decorates her prefab, semi-defective houses, sent by contractors in West Virginia?
I am all for equality and I think we should also let the oil Shieks of the Middle East pay for all our social services and give classes to our children in the proper use of head wraps and grenade launchers.
Just so they know we love them, Ford Motor company will sent a huge statue of Henry Ford to be erected in Hong Kong Bay welcoming all the tired and weary of the world to flock to their shores and share in the amazing opportunities in sweat shops and rice paddies.
Just a few thoughts for our candidates to mull over with Bill Maher as develope their “New Deal.”
TOTALLY handing this one off to the capable hands of Piper or Kristen. You are one feisty fighter, Florence. How big is your garage, and which states do you want to snag as a Bayard/Lamb campaign manager? HURRY! Slots are being snatched faster than IHOP pumpkin pancakes on Thanksgiving morning.
You’ve clearly given this a lot of thought, Florence. I can hear the anger and frustration you’re feeling with our current administration. Unfortunately, that feeling is all too common today. We’re hoping the common sense solutions we will bring to the White House will bring with it more positive feelings about the future of our nation. 🙂
Hey, why the hell can’t we get the candidates on the freakin’ printed ticket to be this up front and honest? At least that way, we’d know what we were voting for.
Screw ’em all, I’m writing these guys in.
Totally agree with you, Laura. I have to shout it out for you. All caps shout-out. LAURA DRAKE SOLD A THREE BOOK to GRAND CENTRAL. WOOT!
Read about it and her sage counsel for those of us still waiting for “the call”. AWESOME, inspiring post at Writers in the Storm (WITS–which I SO wish I’d thought of first). Laura shares “5 Things I Wish I’d Believed Before I Sold.”
Congrats, Laura. And, thanks for the booster shot to the insecure writers within.
I think the difference is that we are not career politicians. We can be honest because we’re not in perpetual election mode. We’re about serving the country rather than milking it. Thanks so much for your support, Laura. 🙂
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If you didn’t get here by way of Piper Bayard’s Political Satire post, click the pingback button. MORE reasons to vote THE TICKET in 2012.
In this political climate, I think they have a great shot 🙂
Always a pleasure, Gloria!!
LaLa! SO glad you chose today to visit!
L.A. Mitchell is in the query process on a Literary Paranormal that I CAN NOT STOP reading. For a taste of her wit and wisdom click above. Tell her Gloria sent you.
The next time we meet for lunch and writer-related-chat I want enough brownie points to score lunch on her.
Thanks for that vote of confidence, L.A. We can always use that kind of support. 🙂
Piper and Kristen sound like they could make this country run like a well-oiled machine. I’m in.
WOOT! The endorsement of PUBLISHED YA Paranormal author, Brinda Berry.
Crank out a special edition for the BAYARD/LAMB 2012 Campaign news.
Click here to browse her blog and garner info on THE WAITING BOOTH, the first in her Whispering Woods YA series.
Brinda returns on Wednesday with a new top secret series. So secret she hasn’t yet told me what it’s all about.
Thank you for your support, Brinda. As far as well-oiled machines go, we can’t be worse than the other guys. 🙂
Just don’t let them build a fence between the US and Canada. I don’t want to get slivers in my butt when I hop over to visit Gloria!
I know this guy who can produce a passportI am CERTAIN we would not build a fence along the border with Canada, Sherry. We want your oil. You have all the U’s up there.Everyone KNOWS those terrorists who wish us ill-will don’t cross our northern border illegally.
First, the RCMP horses would beat them to the border fence. Second. Why bother? We issue temporary student visas and lose track of them. Third. They wouldn’t mess with you. You are a writer. Even our alphabet soup agencies know writers get even in their books.
Now. About your arrival date and time…
Lol. I love visiting Canada. No fence there. It would make it too hard for seniors to get back over the border with their smuggled prescription drugs. 🙂
For those of us who want to vote several times but don’t live in Chicago, can we vote there by email?
I want to give Bayard/Lamb plausible deniability, so…
Just between the two of us. We can make that happen. TELL NO ONE but their zealous supporters.
David, I’ll be over to visit your site. As I told you, I know I subscribed, but I think I did it via RSS feed and I often fail to check my Google Reader.
Readers, click on David’s link if you want well-written nostalgia, motivation and musings.
Great idea, David. I’ll bet you can. 🙂 Thank you for your unwavering support. Much appreciated.
That’s a great picture you added, Gloria. I’ll be sure Holmes gets the link. Thank you, again, for all of your support. It’s been an honor.
My pleasure, Piper. Thanks for being brave enough to lead us on a charge to unseat the self-appointed Royalty ensconced in The Beltway. When they aren’t on vacation. Or golfing. Or drinking.
Hey! If we take away their health care, they may all flee to Canada.
Not only is a fence not necessary, it would be a hindrance to letting them flee the country. On student visas. To study the U.S. constitution.
Well. I’m not sure I want to take away health care, then. Half of our constituency lives in Canada, and I would hate to do that to them. 🙂
There is too much honest fun going on in this post. It would make the American people quake in fear. Clear, unrehearsed speeches? What is that?
Very amusing and creative, guys.
ALWAYS a pleasure to have you visit and comment, Jennifer. Thanks. Still have to resolve that Elves with Attitude challenge. Am I brave enough to….
You’ll find out soon enough. Hopping over to your Red-Line post. LOVE those guys.
Thank you, Jennifer. And yes. All of our speeches are unrehearsed. Unlike the other candidates, we are not a product of Jim Henson Productions, and we don’t have hands up our backs controlling us.
It takes only one visit to a campaign rally or a stop at your Monday political satire posts to know NO ONE has their hands up your back controlling your speeches, Piper.
It’s evident that “we the people” must extricate our country from the greedy, narcissistic grip of the Beltway. Keep spreading the wisdom and snark.
Hi Gloria. Thanks for your thoughtful help with the security issues. I checked with my security director (my wife). She said the fence is a lovely idea but asks that you make sure that one or two of them is able and willing to cook for me so that she can take a day off now and then.
Within the confines of the Pentagon and CIA complex I should be safe. The bigshots there have always been impressed with my work and out of respect for my long years of service they even gave me a very deceptive special code name to keep me safe during vists (“that penny pinching,opinonated old troublemaking son of a %$@*), Even the Chairman of the Joint Cheifs has a code name that’s less than half the size so I feel embaressed by the outporing of love and admiration for me that went into making that code name.
I’m working on a new cost overage prevention program that I have named “Your check is in Afghanistan, go find it!”. We’ll also be instituting a fun new policy called “The Price is Wrong!” Happy errant contractor contestants coached by an enthusiastic live audiance of working class tax payers will choose which trap door to fall trhough to receive their exciting prizes. The advertising revenues alone should generate many millions in net savings.
WELCOME to the campaign stop, Holmes–future Secretary of Defense. I’m certain you’ll address what the Pentagon euphemistically calls “cost over-runs” once in office. I am curious about those $800 toilet seats. Could it be the amount of crap they handle daily?
SO glad we’ll finally have a Secretary of Defense who KNOWS…
That’s it. Complete sentence and complete thought.
And, one who doesn’t spell “Defense” D-A-F-E-N-C-E. That fence is crowded. Perhaps you could add iron spikes to make the incumbents less anxious to run for reelection? Just a thought.
I love all the comments! Sorry I am late to the party, but I was busy cleaning my teleprompter. Thanks for all the support and we hope y’all will at least consider writing us in on your ballot. Use crayon to be extra-annoying :D.
Thanks for visiting, space-saving Vice Presidential Candidate, Kristen. A teleprompter? You? Nope. My brain will not make the connection with you and a prepared speech.
Well, it could be pics of the
incompetentsincumbents. Keep the spitfire within psyched for battle.NOTE TO SELF: STOCK Chicago bound bus with Crayolas.
Thanks for hosting the Foxie with Moxie ticket on your blog, Gloria! Every time I read their ideas, I feel like slamming a V8 slap against my head and saying, “THAT’s what common sense looks like!” I was already sold on the write-in plan, but I love Kristen’s idea of using a crayon. Now I have to think about whether to use Burnt Sienna or Cornflower Blue for my vote.
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